


Triggered

by st_mick



Series: (Mis)Understandings [6]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Hurt No Comfort, Jack's an idiot, M/M, PTSD, Thoughtlessness can be as bad as cruelty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 20:17:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17649191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/st_mick/pseuds/st_mick
Summary: What Ianto overhears at the wedding sends him spiraling out of control.  Such a small joke, really.  But it triggers long buried memories and causes a painful break from reality...





	Triggered

**Author's Note:**

> *AU – Owen is not undead*  
> Takes place after “Something Borrowed” (TW) and “The Doctor’s Daughter” (DW) – the Doctor and Donna are bringing Martha back home when Jack calls. It’s a bit jumbled, but just go with it. My excuse will always be that it’s AU, anyway.  
> ***

_“What will you do while I’m gone?”_

_“Ooh, the usual.  Pizza.  Ianto…”_

_They both laughed._

_“Save the world a couple of times.” **[1]**_

***

Ianto felt the slick, mercurial heat of humiliation and shame wash through him when he overheard Jack’s flippant reply to Gwen’s doe-eyed question.  How could the man be so _dismissive_?  Was that all he was, even after all this time?  Just a shag?  Just a…

_You’re a thing.  You’re too bloody worthless to even be a person._

Ianto felt the world shift, as though he were standing along a fault line between two tectonic plates within his own psyche.  A crack appeared.

“Will you miss me?”  Again with the sickening faux-innocence.  Probing for a hint of gratification…

“Always.”  Spoken without hesitation. 

Wow.  Instant gratification for the newly married woman.

_Fucking whore.  You’ll never amount to anything.  Not even that good a fuck._

The ground shifted again as the crack widened.

They were so lost in one another that he stood there, feeling like an idiot for far too many moments before they broke apart.  When he stepped up to Jack, he caught the half-amused, forbearing expression.  The wistful sigh as Gwen walked away.

Yeah, that felt pretty awesome, too.

_Worthless piece of shite!_

Continents were colliding elsewhere, forming whole mountain ranges in the violent aftermath.  But where Ianto stood, the crack grew quietly wider, threatening to swallow him up.

***

After the Retcon and cleanup, they all returned to the Hub.  Tosh and Owen went home, and after supplying Jack a final coffee, Ianto silently watched him turn wistful and nostalgic, once he thought he was alone.  Ianto went home and slowly proceeded to fall into the bottomless rift that was filled with shame and the horrible words his father had enjoyed hurling at him when too tired to bother with his fists or the belt.

***

Jack woke in the small hours to find Ianto sitting on the bed, watching him.

“Ianto?” he asked, his head muzzy from sleep.

“I saw, you know,” Ianto said, his voice flat, his face in shadow as he stared at a point over the head of Jack’s bed.  “When you came back from being with the Doctor, I saw the look on your face when she told you she was engaged.  You looked gutted.  Would you,” he hesitated before forging ahead, “would you have asked me out on that date, if she hadn’t shown you her ring?”

“Ianto,” Jack was fully awake, now.  He wasn’t certain where this was going, but he was positive he didn’t want to find out.  But Ianto kept speaking, as though Jack hadn’t interrupted.

“And I saw your face tonight, as you danced with her.  The desire, the affection.  The _longing_.”  Ianto was flexing his fists, now, trying to control the emotions that were rising.  He chuckled, though Jack had never heard a sound more devoid of humor.  “You’ll never want me, like that.  Will you, Jack?”

“Ianto…”  Jack raised himself up an elbow.

Ianto went on quickly, not wanting to hear the answer, though he knew what it was.  “And that’s always been all right.  I don’t think you ever realized that, Jack.  I was always fine with whatever scraps you were willing to toss my way.  Does that make me more pathetic, or less so?”

He shook his head.  “Doesn’t matter.  I was willing to put up with Gwen’s passive-aggressive jealousy and Owen’s bitchy snark.  Because we had fun, didn’t we?  Because I thought you were at least… somewhat… fond of me, maybe.  Because I _thought_ you respected me.”

Jack was becoming angry.  Scraps?  Somewhat fond?  Maybe?  Then the last bit crashed through him, making his anger dissolve.  “What makes you think I don’t respect you, Ianto?”  Jack was growing concerned.

Ianto laughed derisively.  In a high falsetto voice, he asked, “What will you do while I’m gone?” and then added in a deep, fairly impressive American accent, “Pizza, _Ianto_.”  His voice cracked as he spat his own name.

“Ianto, that’s not what I…” Jack tried to speak, but Ianto talked over him.

“So now I know.  I’m not some _one_ to pass a pleasant evening with.  I’m just… some _thing_ to do.  I’m just… Jack Harkness’ whore.”

“Jesus, Ianto,” Jack sat up and tried to cut in, but Ianto kept speaking, his voice that relentless, flat, lifeless intonation that was so cold and despairing.

“God, the look on your face when I cut in.  Idiot that I am, I thought you’d be pleased that _I_ had done that.  In public.  With the man who taught me to follow rather than lead, in a dance.”  He snorted.  “I suppose it was a stupid gesture.  Pathetic, even.  And you weren’t pleased.  You looked… _resigned_.”

“Ianto, stop,” Jack said, raising his voice.

“No, Jack,” Ianto replied wearily.  “I see it all so clearly, now.  And don’t worry.  Now that I know, I’ll play my part.  I know I’ll never leave Torchwood alive.  Hell, I don’t expect to live out the year.  But no matter what time I have left, I’m here.  This is my responsibility.  My penance.  And it will include you.  I’ll play my part.”

“What part?” Jack was well and truly alarmed, now.

“Your whore,” Ianto replied quietly.  “Just a thing, to be used.”  Before Jack could react or protest, he leaned forward, into Jack’s space.  “But for tonight, please.  Please just let me say goodbye.”

Before Jack could even begin to decipher what Ianto meant by _that_ , Ianto kissed him with such heartbreaking tenderness that all thoughts scurried quickly away.  Jack usually had more self-possession, but something in Ianto’s kiss simply overwhelmed him.  Ianto spent the next hour worshiping Jack, loving him with all the passion and care that he possessed, pouring all of his love into this one, final moment. 

And once that moment was lost, his love was locked away, deeper than any of Ianto’s other, many secrets.

***

Jack awoke alone, his body relaxed and replete from being so well pleasured.  But then he recalled everything Ianto had said. 

He quickly showered and dressed, cursing himself for getting so caught up that he ignored the terrible words, the horrible conclusions that Ianto had drawn.  He did not blame the younger man.  From the outside, where Jack had always held those he was trying hardest not to love, what Ianto had surmised was exactly as it appeared. 

But it was not the truth.

He climbed the ladder and was surprised to find that Tosh and Owen had already arrived.  Ianto was handing out coffee.  He headed to Jack’s office and handed him his mug.

“Ianto, I want to talk about last night,” Jack said.

“I will be down in the archives if you need me, Sir.”

With that, Ianto left Jack sitting at his desk, his mouth hanging open at having been so thoroughly disregarded.

***

Jack decided to give Ianto a bit of time, so he did not pursue him into the archives until mid-morning.  He found Ianto sitting at his desk, staring at an artefact.  When he heard Jack’s approach, he gave a slight startle, then rose wearily to his feet.  “May I help you, Sir?”

Jack was sad to see the old impassive mask back in place.  But what was truly distressing was the flat, bleak look in Ianto’s eyes.

“Ianto, we need to talk.”

“About what, Sir?”

“About whatever it is going on in that head of yours.”

“I suppose we should establish ground rules,” Ianto nodded.  “No conversation, unless you wish to speak of something.  No kissing, of course.  And I won’t top.  My safe word is…”

“Ianto, just stop!” Jack shouted.  He crowded forward into Ianto’s personal space, forcing him against the wall.  “Stop a minute!  You have this all wrong!”  And God help him, he was breathing Ianto in, intoxicated by his proximity.  He was half hard as he leaned in to try to reason with him. 

But whatever he was going to say was pre-empted as Ianto stepped around him and pushed him into the wall.  Jack’s left cheek was pressed into the wall as Ianto’s left forearm braced against the back of Jack’s neck, holding him in place.  His right hand reached around and deftly unbuckled Jack’s belt and unbuttoned his trousers.  In no time at all, Ianto’s hand was in Jack’s pants, pulling his cock out and jerking it, hard and fast. 

Jack felt Ianto pressed against his back.  And he felt absolutely no response from Ianto.  Even as his orgasm crashed through his body, he realized that Ianto was in no way aroused by this… this…

_What the hell was this, anyway?_

Ianto stepped away from him, finding a rag and wiping his hand as Jack caught his breath and righted his clothing.

“Will there be anything else, Sir?” he asked mildly.  Same flat voice, same expressionless mask. 

Same dead eyes.

Ianto’s words from the night before floated back to him.  _Jack Harkness’ whore_.

He barely made it to the bin by Ianto’s desk before vomiting what felt like every meal he had eaten in the last week and a half.  He continued retching after his stomach was empty, and he was vaguely aware of a steady hand, resting on his back.  Not moving, not attempting to soothe, as a lover would. 

He realized just how much he relied on Ianto’s soothing actions.

When Jack caught his breath, Ianto asked, “Are you all right, Sir?”

Jack shook his head.  “Ianto, what is going on?”

Ianto frowned.  “I don’t understand, Sir.”

“And what’s with the ‘Sir’?  Knock it off!”

Confusion flashed in Ianto’s eyes.  He blinked several times before saying, “I apologize if I offended you, Captain.”

Jack flinched as though he’d been struck.  He stared at Ianto for a long moment.  “Right,” he said, deciding on a tactical retreat, to ask Owen for assistance.

Something as very, very wrong.

Once upstairs, he asked Toshiko to go check on Ianto, while he called Owen over to look at the CCTV of the interaction, hoping that Ianto’s odd behavior would be apparent.

Sadly, he was not to be disappointed in that hope.

***

“Hi, Ianto,” Tosh smiled as she entered his office.

Ianto had just returned from taking the bin liner full of Jack’s sick to the incinerator.  Looked like he wasn’t going to get much work done, before lunchtime.  He stood from his desk and smiled politely.  “What can I do for you, Tosh?” he asked.

Tosh frowned, concerned at the bland mask, the lost expression in his eyes.  He looked worse than he had after Lisa…  She shook her head to clear it and smiled.  “Jack sent me,” she smiled, hoping to get him to smile.  His reaction was frightening, even from the grainy picture provided by the CCTV to those watching, upstairs.

Ianto’s eyes went wide, and a progression of horror, shame, and humiliation flashed over his face before he could properly school his features. 

“Ah.  Well.  I suppose it is the Captain’s prerogative to share his toys,” he said, his voice flat and emotionless.

***

“Shit!”

“What the fuck, Harkness?” Owen shouted.

***

Tosh’s eyes went wide and she stammered, “I-Ianto?”

Ianto approached Tosh and took her in his arms.  He couldn’t bring himself to grab her backside, but his hand was in a rather suggestive place on her hip as he breathed in along her neck, tracing his nose along her collarbone, up her neck, and behind her ear.

Tosh had expected a hug.  That Ianto was being so explicitly sexual with her was startling.  “Ianto, what are you doing?” she asked, her voice quavering as she pushed him away.

Ianto released her and stepped back.  “I won’t kiss you.  And I can’t fuck you.  You’ll have to tell the Captain he can punish me, if he chooses, but I never could get it up when tricking…” he trailed off, some color coming to his cheeks.  He took a deep breath before continuing.  “But I’ll see to you.  Not here, though.  I’ll come to your place this evening, or I’ll get a room somewhere, if you don’t want me in your flat.”

Toshiko could bear no more.  With a sob, she turned and raced back up to the Hub.

***

Jack and Owen watched Tosh’s abrupt exit.  Ianto looked confused, but in the next moment he shrugged and went back to his desk.

“Tricking,” Jack murmured, feeling ill.

“Right,” Owen growled, going down to the autopsy bay. 

By the time he returned, Tosh had run to where Jack was still standing at her station, watching Ianto on the CCTV on one of her screens.  She ran into his arms, sobbing.

“Jack, what was that?” she cried.  “He was acting as though... as though…” she couldn’t bring herself to articulate it.

“As though he’s my whore and I’m passing him around,” Jack gritted.

“Jack?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say he’s having a psychotic break,” Owen said grimly, heading past them.  “We need to figure out what triggered it.  Jack, if I can’t get him to come back up here with me, I’ll need you to help carry him.”

***

Owen entered the archive, and Ianto sighed.  Getting any work done before lunch was becoming less and less likely.  “Owen,” he said.

“Tea boy,” Owen said, watching Ianto warily.  “It’s time for your quarterly exam.  Wanna come up with me?  Just enough time to get it done, before lunch.”

Ianto stood and stepped around his desk.  “Just had one last month,” he frowned.  Then he looked a bit hangdog.  “Did the Captain send you?”  He was ashamed of the very clear message from Jack.  “I suppose I’m being passed around, now…”  He sighed and shrugged a shoulder before sinking to his knees before a gobsmacked Owen.

As Ianto, with an expression of consternation and resignation, reached for Owen’s belt, Owen sank the needle from his syringe deep into Ianto’s neck.  He caught the younger man before he could crash to the floor as the strong sedative took immediate effect.

***

 

[1] From S02,E09, “Something Borrowed”


End file.
